intensely trivial

In which our sex life becomes an open blog

[If you don’t want to read about sex, don’t read this post. It won’t get pornographic, though, unless you let your mind go there, and that’s your problem.]

For Valentine’s Day this year, I gave Dan a certificate entitling him to 28 successive days of decent sex. This was a downgrade from my original idea, which I’d picked up from some news story about a wife who had promised her husband a whole year of sex, with no days off! I was sure the thought of a whole year of sex would make Dan’s eyes go all googly, but I was realistic enough to know I couldn’t carry it out. So I settled on 28 days. There were a few minor caveats, like the rule that if Dan chose to skip a day, it would not carry over, turning my commitment to 29 days instead. (Perhaps you think that’s stingy; I was just being realistic for myself.)
So, starting at the beginning of March, we embarked on this steamy journey, and this blog entry is an account of it, for posterity’s sake, which is why I will endeavor to exhibit honesty.
First, the baseline:
From what I’ve read or learned in conversations with people, we probably have a higher-frequency baseline than your average couple. However, we don’t hold any illusions that our sex life is ideal, in frequency or pleasure. We have two small children, jobs outside the home, and too many other commitments. We’re often tired. We don’t always eat right or exercise when we should (although some of our habits did improve over the course of the 28 days — but I’m getting distracted). Overall, I suppose we’re pretty average for our demographic.
So, we started counting up the days. One of the first things I learned was that I needed to cultivate kind of a can-do, openminded attitude. I tried to be selfless, put forth more effort than I normally would, etc. — because this was Dan’s present, not mine, although I have to say I had plenty of fun as well. It seems to be related.
I kept a log of what we did. I know, I’m a dork. But what could we learn from it? And how could I encourage myself if I needed to at any point? That’s why I kept the log.
The benefits:
Well, life was more fun than usual, I have to say. Our relationship went better in general because that particular aspect of it was active and alive. It was also a great exercise in consistently having an attitude of love and selflessness. Excusing myself for any reason wasn’t really an option; I’d decided to treat Dan to good times regardless of how I felt. And you know what? As much as I’ve resisted the advice to “just make yourself do it,” I think there is an element of truth in it. For once, I stopped analyzing everything to death and just did it. It was very fulfilling to be living out the command to love my closest neighbor as myself; when he was happy, it made me happy. And it’s not like I didn’t get anything out of it; on the contrary, I really enjoyed myself as a sexual being, and — well, how shall I say it? Sex makes me happy too. 🙂 Our normal differences in libido were somewhat irrelevant for a month; that was so freeing!
Besides all that, having committed to 28 successive days of decent sex forced me/us to be creative. Actually, it was more like a canvas on which we wanted to be creative. No default acts of sex, but the freedom to paint whatever we wanted. There was plenty of time to try things out, and we didn’t want to be bored by the end — although once we got started, I don’t know if we could have been bored.
The difficulties:
Don’t get the idea that it was a month-long honeymoon. It wasn’t. We did end up having about three days of no sex, because we were emotionally at odds.
We started out the time free and easy, and then at the end found ourselves in kind of a rut. It wasn’t boring; it just wasn’t very creative anymore.
Also, the sleep thing: We made the mistake of not being disciplined with when we went to bed (I mean, the end of the day!), which led to my being one tired mama when I rose pre-dawn. We had a little talk about that, and Dan, sweetly, tried hard to honor my request for an earlier bedtime.
And to be frank with you, there was one thing that bothered me by the end, and that was that I was doing most of the work! But then it was his present, which made it all too easy for him to be lazy. (We’ve talked about this, and he is OK with my divulging this.)
The conclusion of the matter:
This was an experiment well worth conducting! For you, an appropriate length of time might be two weeks or two months, but I imagine you would gain some equally interesting results, probably positive. I think Christians so often denigrate the life of the body, when God obviously created some things purely for our pleasure, and his. I mean, seriously, we would not have to be able to have orgasms. Reproduction would carry on quite nicely, I’m sure. So it was fun to have an “assignment” to focus on the carnal — which led to Dan feeling very well taken care of.
It was kind of funny: As soon as the 28 days were up, it was a relief to be able to go to bed and just sleep. I think we were both glad the pressure was off.
So there you go! Truly, I’m not telling this in an exhibitionistic way, but because it was kind of a big part of my life for a month, and also because you might just be encouraged to go enjoy your lover. It’ll make you both happier people!


Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * carmen says:

    That’s great! What a challenge to me. Thanks for stepping out in sharing it.

    Posted 8 years, 10 months ago
  2. * Myra says:

    I find it somewhat amusing that at the top of your blog, you have a picture of a flower’s sex organs. Was that on purpose?

    Posted 8 years, 10 months ago
  3. * manhattandoula says:

    Myra, I was aware of that, but it wasn’t meant to go with this blog entry. Ha ha! 🙂 I just find the sex organs of flowers beautiful. 😉

    Posted 8 years, 10 months ago
  4. * Terri says:

    Thanks for sharing the results and the encouragement. A good reminder!

    Posted 8 years, 10 months ago

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: